It's MIZ Biznatch, thanks muchly - or, alternately, you can call me Professor.

[d_aulnoy]

Oh.  MY.  GOD.  I have just been hassled for having a different last name from my husband. 

There's never been any question in my mind about changing my last name: for one thing, I'm the last of my family line, and I'd like to pass my weird heritage along, and for another, I've accomplished a hell of a lot under my name.  I actually had a huge series of fights with one ex over the hypothetical situation: we were nowhere close to getting married, but it came up in passing, snowballed into a massive, multi-part conversation concerning the patriarchy, and probably directly contributed to our breakup ... which, really, was a good thing, because talk about synechdoche.  One of the (many) reasons that I'm so happy with the Gnu is that he seems to completely lack these gendered hang-ups: he likes to say he's gender-blind, which can make for headaches when it comes to things like explaining the reality of catcalling to him ("Really?  That happens?  I've never seen that!  Wait, it happens when we're out together?"), but is generally a blessing and a boon, as he just doesn't have it in him to resent my accomplishments, or to second-guess my proposing, or to quibble over naming conventions.  Though, it should be noted that he didn't believe me when I groused about the inevitability of the sexist social pressures that I bet I'd get over the decision ....

So, the Gnu generously purchased a small shiny thing to celebrate our six month halfiversary: the only issue here is that FedEx with 2 working partners?  Tough to coordinate.  So I called FedEx to ask if they could narrow the window from "before 7" to, say, "between 5 and 7," or something like that.  On my first attempt, I got a woman who kept calling me "Ma'am."  Bad sign.  In passing, she asked me what my name was, which I answered absent-mindedly before saying, "Oh, but the package is addressed to my husband, The Gnu."  Well, she shut down.  Wouldn't give me any further info., because of the different last names.  Now, if it were a safety regulation, I could see it ... except I've checked on packages for friends and roommates before with no problems.  And, no, none of my friends or roommates share my peculiar last name.  When I pointed out that if I hadn't specifically mentioned my name, it wouldn't have been a problem, given that I, you know, had all of the necessary info., including sender, tracking number, etc., she went into full on Ma'am-mode, inserting it in every other sentence: then she suggested that I consider being "normal."  Yeah.  Direct quotation: "Well, then maybe you should think about changing your last name, or hyphenating, or something."  Because, obviously, the problem here isn't an antiquated policy that I'm not even sure FedEx has: the problem is my weirdness.  Which, in this day and age, isn't really all that weird ....  And then when I requested to speak to a manager to discuss this policy - not my specific case, but the policy - with a final "Ma'am," she hung up on me.  Dear god, I wish I remembered her name so as to call and  complain ....

Luckily, the next person I called didn't have her hang-ups.  Thank yew, Cynthia!  But I'm still vaguely furious. 

I wonder if the Gnu would consider ordering something else from FedEx under my name, just to repeat the process in reverse to see what kind of a reaction he'll get ....

P.S. - The entire moral of this story, aside from patriarchy pisses d_aulnoy off, is, "Remember your telephone representative's name, kids!"  Maiden, or otherwise.

Comments

all about me

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

Have we talked about me changing my name to Light's last name, and how odd people seem to find it that I would do so? I'm actually kind of anxious about going to my college reunion with my new name, because I'd had people be weirdly aggressive about my choice.

(In short: I have always thought that my maiden name was my father's name (when I was little, he told me I only had it as a loan, and that someday I'd get someone else's name), and my married name is Light's name, and I like my husband a hell of a lot better than I like my father.)

Re: all about me

[d-aulnoy.livejournal.com]

I don't think we have! But we should. :)

That's a thought process that makes a good deal of sense to me - different strokes for different folks on the specifics of the choice, but exact. same. reaction. concerning other people's responses to it. Which, in short, is the bit that I find sexist - the weight of the name change seems to fall entirely on the woman's shoulders, regardless of whether it's traditional or not, and even when the *guy* decides to be the one to make the change.*

* This last observation is completely anecdotal, since it's apparently pretty rare, and I don't personally know anybody who's done it ... but in every account I've read, there's a heavy tint of "Oh, so he's that whipped, huh?"

Re: all about me, now with blathering

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

I know one person who did that, and we all just sort of dismissed the couple as wacky to begin with (it was a theme pagan wedding, etc).

I totally feel like I'm trying to say "I'm persecuted too" in a whiny voice, but I definitely get the impression from peers (not friends, friendsoffriends, acquaintances) that Smart Women Don't Do That in terms of taking their partner's last name.

I'm trying to think of how to explain that I might have chosen differently if we were going to have children, and I can't seem to force it into words. It's not that I'm the last bastion of Maiden name, I have two brothers, one of whom intends to reproduce, I'm just fascinated by genealogies and would want to be able to show that to a kid of mine. As it stands now, I'll just tell my brothers' children about their great grandfather and his great grandfather and all the cool things they did.

Re: all about me, now with blathering

[d-aulnoy.livejournal.com]

*Theme* pagan wedding? Do I want to ask? 'Cause, while I'm pagan and all, I'm kind of envisioning the Salem Pagan Package Deal right now ....

And, actually, I know exactly what you mean, though I haven't encountered it personally: I've been observing the Mommy Wars with interest, and it seems roughly akin to the degree of crap that educated women who opt to stay home with their children get; a sort of Betraying the Cause vibe which is completely counter to the actual values and goals of feminism. I do not understand what anybody who buys into that kind of judgementalism is hoping to accomplish, but my incomprehension does little to mitigate it, alas.

*wishes for a comprehensible world that operates according to my own eminently sane and rational perspective*

**also, wishes for a pony**

[honeychurch.livejournal.com]

hm... being FedEx, there's a good chance the call was going to Memphis. Did she sound particularly southern?

I can't criticize the "ma'am" thing - you have to understand that there is still a southern ma'am/sir thing that's hard to break - I know I never will (and I still call a younger woman "miss" by reflex, although never with the name - every woman's been Ms to me as since I was about 10).

but good god, what the hell? You might consider calling and talking to a supervisor anyway; if you can remember the time of the fist call, and you can tell them the person you talked to after her, they might be able to see who was in your record at that time. Because FedEx, I'm sure, does not want Memphisian biases leaking out to customers. (HATE Memphis. HAAAAATE. Lived there about 10 months. All that's bad about the south + all that's bad about the midwest = Memphis.)

Keeping my name has never been a question (girlish dallying aside). The only name argument (far too strong a word for it) I have with P goes something like this:
Me: I'm fine with the kids having your name.
P: Are you sure? You don't want them to have your name?
Me: Eh, I'll have the bond from popping it out; you should get something.
P: We could give each one a different last name [he wants two].

So, yeah.

(I am also the last in my family line, but there are a million Germans with my particular last name - I'm fine with being the last, but I want to keep it. There are a million Koreans with his particular last name, but there's something about wanting to keep our children in touch with that part of their background - I have a muddy heritage, so not much to pass on.)

[d-aulnoy.livejournal.com]

Quite potentially, though I can't differentiate Southern accents well enough to say - I'd guess general South, but ask me to tell Tennessee from, say, Arkansas, and I will stare at you blankly. Brooklyn vs. Jersey, now, I'm your man.

The Ma'am-ing wouldn't bother me generally (hell, I use it with strangers): it's more the multiple usage within single sentences that always rings my chimes in that "I am not listening to a word you say" kind of a way. "Miss" or "Ms." might have had the same effect, but the disapproval permeating the word once I revealed my nomenclatural state of sin ... eesh. And, good idea - I'll give that a shot tomorrow (at work until 8 today, alas).

The Gnu and I are thinking about different last names for kids, too! We're thinking of going gender-wise: I get the girls, he gets the boys. Alternately, he's half-jokingly pushing for a combined name ... but I think that's just because he likes the idea of our kids being a Pox on the world. Given that I'm a fan of names like Lilith and Hekate, I'm resisting ... I mean, seriously, Lilith Pox? Is the villain from an Elizabeth Hand short story. She hangs out with Cleopatra Brimstone.

[honeychurch.livejournal.com]

ah, it's when "ma'am" carries that tone of "bitch"

combined last names... oh my god, our kids' last names could be "Killer." So little Hallam Killer can hang out with little Lilith Pox.

(another reason why I push his last name is the fact that I'd like to name a son "Hallam," and combined with my last name, the kid would hate me from birth)

(on the other hand, our daughter's name is going to be "Mister Whiskerpants," which is a very long story)

[d-aulnoy.livejournal.com]

Hee - okay, that is awesome. And, showing my Future Jewish Mother side, should you, in fact, dub the kids little Killers, I will so be pushing for a match between our offspring, and pushing THEM to hyphenate, just so there can be couple(s) named Killer-Pox in the world.

Also, I now really need to know about Mr. Whiskerpants. Like, REALLY A LOT.

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

The "ma'am" thing doesn't bother me because I read nothing more into it than courtesy; in a formal context, I call women "ma'am" the same way I call men "sir," because the alternative is "buddy" or "hey, you."

Unfortunately, some people attach other meanings to it. Like, say, sexist idiots who think you've done something wrong by keeping your own name.


--still a Neuenschwander, and proud of it

[d-aulnoy.livejournal.com]

Sing it - it really is the, a) multiple repetition of the word within sentences that acts as a general signifier for me, and, b) the specific venom of application once she realized I was Like That. Erk.

[vschanoes.livejournal.com]

People are sexist assholes.

[d-aulnoy.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes, they are. And yet, despite my abstract grasp of this fact, concrete proof never fails to tick me off.

Grrr. Argh.

[fireriven.livejournal.com]

That is wholly maddening! (Though, like some others, I read the "ma'am" thing as courtesy, generally; in keeping with your recounting, I just presumed that here the "ma'am" was coming with A Tone.)

I am marrying in December and I am also not changing my last name (for several of the same reasons you describe). I am getting ridiculous pressure from my family over this even now.

Re: Grrr. Argh.

[d-aulnoy.livejournal.com]

Exactly - the tone, and the repetition within single sentences, a la, "Well, MA'AM, we can't give that information out, MA'AM, because you don't share a last name with your husband. MA'AM." Another direct quotation. Oy.

And, funnily enough, so did I - not because my family has any issues whatsoever with my feminism or with my keeping their name to pass on to our kids, but because they were deeply concerned that the Gnu or his folks might take it as a slight. It was like, nope, the in-laws are just as relaxed as we are! In fact, more so! Awesome.

And, just musing now, but ... it was almost like a retroactive realization that, having never conformed for a day in our lives, we might want to rethink in conjunction with an extended family, just for the sake of manners/keeping the peace. Luckily, it turned out to not be an issue, but I do wonder what it says about the rite-of-passage aspect of it all: part of the rite is compromise? Or at least, willingness ....

[erzebet.livejournal.com]

Okay, is it just us, or is there a rash of this stuff going around? Or is this common in this country and I've forgotten? During the course of my visa application, an immigration officer (male) called me not to ask me for the paperwork (which lack thereof led to my eventual refusal), but to ask why I hadn't applied for the fiance visa instead of the permit-free work visa.

:O

A proper WTF.

[d-aulnoy.livejournal.com]

The hell? You're a more valid emigre as someone's partner-to-be than as a contributing member of the workforce?

The mind, she boggles ....

[erzebet.livejournal.com]

Apparently you and I are both more valuable and acceptable if we bow to patriarchy's tradition. Bastards.

[d-aulnoy.livejournal.com]

Also, wait, wait, wait a second - are you engaged? Am I so much out of the loop that I missed this?

[erzebet.livejournal.com]

Well, no. I'm not. I only mentioned to immigration that I had a "partner". At the rate we're going, that may change. heh

I'm going to send you an email today. I keep looking for you on AIM but we seem to miss each other every time. :)

[d-aulnoy.livejournal.com]

Which makes the immigration officer's response even weirder and more inappropriate ... but mazel tov on your happiness!

And, I will look forward to it. Do you use GChat at all? I've switched over almost entirely ....

[erzebet.livejournal.com]

I have been known to use GChat, yes. I'll try to remember to log in to see if you are there. Email sent to gmail as well. :)

[moonlightalice.livejournal.com]

Oh my god! What a nightmare! I'm so sorry. I find I still get a lot of prejudice and dirty looks and rude behavior when people realize that J and I aren't married, but are living together. It's 2008, guys! We had a woman flat out refuse to rent to us for that reason. Ugh.

As for the naming thing, I always liked what the Nielsen Haydens did, taking each others' last names. :) If I ever decide to marry there's no question about me keeping my last name, mostly because not a whole lot of things sound nicely with my fist name.

Next time this happens--you should demand to be called Dr.

[d-aulnoy.livejournal.com]

That ... sounds deeply illegal. She refused to rent to you on _moral grounds_?!? Jesus, she would have *really* hated me ....

I always liked the NH solution, too, but while our hyphenated name wouldn't have been *quite* as incongruous as some previous possibilities (one of my exes used to joke that I would make a Very Unlikely Mrs. Hispanic Last Name), we kind of felt like it'd be cruel to stick our eventual spawn with a 17 letter last name. We may insert Name of Other Parent as a middle name in our alternating scheme, though ....

And, damn, do I wish I had thought of that at the time. Then again, odds are even that it just would have confirmed her prejudices about Those Uppity Women Who Keep Their Names ....