On Bullying ....

[d_aulnoy]

A lot of little things have had me thinking about bullying recently, which, in some ways, is kind of a funny way to put it, as for years and years of my life, bullying was in some respects the only thing I thought about.

See, I was totally That Girl as a child - not in a Madonna kind of a way, but in the kind of a way that you'll recognize if you think back to your memories of childhood and try to place the least popular kid you ever knew: the butt of every joke, the one who turned unfriendly, the one who was always, always in trouble.

I don't think that I'm ever, ever, in my life, going to lie about my age, just because I was so damned happy to stop being a kid.

(Well, that and I think it's anti-feminist, and it's against my religion, and if nothing else, being bullied certainly inoculated me against giving a good goddamn about public opinion, but, nevertheless.)

Thing One That Has Me Thinking About Bullying: 
Well, for starters, I'm teaching about it: the subtitle of my YA class is "The Adolescent Other."  Talk about an automatic way to not fit in ... every book I'm teaching in that class this term deals with alienation and its consequences in one way or another, and it's fascinating to see my students try to concoct strategies for dealing with bullying in adolescents.  It's equally fascinating to see how ineffectual most of those strategies are on paper ... allow me to give you an example (with apologies for the Wikipedia sourcing): commonly recommended strategies to reduce bullying;

• Make sure an adult knows what is happening to their children.
• make it clear that bullying is never acceptable
• hold a school conference day devoted to bully/victim problems
• increase adult supervision in the yard, halls and washrooms more vigilantly
• emphasize caring, respect and safety
• emphasize consequences of hurting others
• enforce consistent and immediate consequences for aggressive behaviours
• follow up on all instances of aggression
• improve communication among school administrators, teachers, parents and students
• have a school problem box where kids can report problems, concerns and offer suggestions
• teach cooperative learning activities
• help bullies with anger control and the development of empathy
• encourage positive peer relations
• offer a variety of extracurricular activities which appeal to a range of interests
• teach your child to defend himself, verbally and physically, if necessary.
• Many children bully because it might be from family problems or peer pressure/power.

You'll notice that almost all of these refer to children.  Wouldn't it be lovely if this sort of thing stopped there?  Because, it hadn't by high school, although, in my case at least, I'd more or less gotten a handle on it by that age.  Because, frankly, it continues on considerably past that, into the age I am now, and I'm assuming beyond.  Because, frankly, while it is still very satisfying to run to my mother and tell her that someone's being mean to me these days on an emotional level, gone are the days when she can conference with their mothers to encourage them to be caring and respectful or to consider the consequences of hurting others.  The thing is, these days, as grown-ups, we function as our own mommies, as our own responsible adult figures ... and the frightening extension of that is that so do the adult bullies.

Thing Deux that Has Me Thinking About Bullying:

Not so much a thing as a person, a fact that was sadly ignored by a number of people in her life: Megan Meier.  Meier was 13 years old.  Meier was entrapped online, not just by her peers, but by their parents; finally, a suggestion that the world might be better off without her on MySpace led her to take her own life. 

She was 13, people.

I've had links to this forwarded to me by students, and a number of people whom I respect and read regularly have been posting about about it (for one, hi, upstart_crow!), but in term of real-world repercussions?  Well, LJ instituted a "For the Children!" censorship mentality that disturbs me greatly, but aside from that, and specifically relating to this case, psychological torture really doesn't seem to carry any consequences.  And it should ... if Megan Meier's case doesn't convince you, Kathy Sierra's might: some of you might recall her case.  About a year ago, Sierra started receiving really grotesque threats online from a number of people who apparently disliked her for being a very successful female tech consultant.  As far as I know, they managed to not only make her scared for her life, but to have to find a new line of work (see the link to her name for details: more frighteningly yet, while typing this, her name slipped my mind, so I resorted to Google; my search terms were "cyberbullying rape threats tech consultant," and I didn't get a hit on her till the second page).  This stuff doesn't seem to get better as we get older: it gets worse, because the people who see fit to do it get a little more informed as they get a little nastier.  Not to mention to sense of invulnerability that comes with the anonymity that the Internet seems to provide ....  And, thus far, all of the "solutions" that are being suggested seem to boil down to the same kind of stuff that had me developing a bunker mentality circa age 9: grow a thicker skin, and maybe think about taking a self-defense course, either physical or emotional,. because ain't nobody going to help you but yourself.

Thing Tres that Has Me Thinking About Bullying:

RateMyProfessor.com

No, seriously.  A friend of mine called me the other day on the verge of tears because she'd discovered a bad review on RMP.  We're talking both uncomplimentary and also poor in quality: I pointed out to her that maybe an academic review wherein the reviewer managed to misspell both "psycho" and 'bitch" (of which she is neither) should perhaps be taken with a grain of salt.  She felt that maybe that was kinda the problem: if she hadn't managed to convey basic proof-reading to them, maybe in a backhanded sort of a way, the reviewer had a point? 

Ahem.  Having gotten a bitter review or two in my day, I suggested that perhaps she was bending over a leeeeeeetle too far backwards to justify the bile, and that if the student felt that strongly about it ... well, had any students been in to see her complaining of these issues?  I mean, the term was still in progress and all ... no?  Yeah, didn't think so.

The Internet is a wonderful shield for weasels.  I've gotten bad reviews on RMP-like sites from students who'd never once come into my office to consult with me, and I've had cyber-stalking issues from rejected dates (those were fun), and I've come to the conclusion that the Internet is an emotional sadist's wet-dream, because it provides enough anonymity to completely abnegate all responsibility.   And on that, I have no solution, because I'm very strict-construction on 1st Amendment issues, and I fully believe in freedom of speech, and, like most of the rest of the world, I simply haven't got the time to pursue either sketchy libel lawsuits or the aformentioned self-defense classes.

So, where's the hope?  The optimism?  The solution?

Fucked if I know.  But ....

Thing Pyat that Has Me Thinking About Bullying:

... the other day, one of the people who bullied me in the 6th grade got in touch with me out of the blue, using FaceBook, of all media, to apologize for having been an ass back in the day.  She seems to have grown up to be a pretty cool person.  Kinda gives me a little hope.  Not a lot, because, y'know, she was a child and one could only hope she would grow up, whereas the adults who engage in this kind of shit leave you wondering, but, still ....

... I'll take what I can get.  Maybe karma is the last, great equalizer?  Or not.  But in the meantime, it appears to be as good an option as any.

Comments

[cataptromancer.livejournal.com]

Oi. I know there's going to come a day, probably soon, when some malcontent writes me up on ratemyprofs. That site really seems to solicit bad reviews...I mean, they have an EASINESS rating. What the fuck kind of way to think about education is that? And the "hot peppers"?

(I keep thinking of internet ventures that I would start if I had the know how and the time. One of them would be a ratemyprofs for good students. Like, people who care and are inclined to really want to know about teaching styles, material covered, what they'll learn, etc. It could even have a bigger prof-input component to basically advertise courses and share material. Another would be a networking site for academics. If anyone out there wants to take this and run with it, just give me "consultant" credit -ok?)

For me, the solution to bullying would be to develop a thick skin. Which is scary, since my skin is so thin you can see the veins through. Pale blue veins of fear and desperate desire for approval...

[d-aulnoy.livejournal.com]

See, as a result of my childhood, I *have* a fairly thick skin, and nevertheless, the concrete knowledge that someone, somewhere, hates me enough to go to the effort of spewing vitriol and bile like an untended fire hose *still* gets me, regardless of what form it takes, much more so than knowing concretely who the person is and what their reasoning, real or imagined, might possibly be. And it works that way when I see it being done to others, too ... so, perhaps a thickER skin? Or, alternately, an international IP database to eliminate the anonymity so that everybody has to stand by their words?

Hey, wait. That last one wasn't so bad ....

(If you make this site I will worship you as a great golden god. This might be worth posting about in a separate post to see if anyone wants to run with it ... talk about Nirvana.)

[vschanoes.livejournal.com]

Actually, the site we need is a RateMyStudent site, accessible only to other professors, where we can warn each other about students who are always late, don't do the reading, hand in assignments super-late, and the like.

[d-aulnoy.livejournal.com]

That, or more detailed transcripts ....

[cataptromancer.livejournal.com]

turnemin.com

[belecrivain.livejournal.com]

I've thought about the Megan Meier case too, and not been able to come up with any response more coherent than visceral horror. Not just that a woman could manipulate a 13-year-old like that (I want to say she knew Megan Meier was suicidal, but I'm not sure about that, and don't feel like going to the Smoking Gun and factchecking myself) but that one woman, with a teenage daughter, could do that to a friend with a teenage daughter. (I don't think I'm capable of imagining what the woman's own daughter is thinking, or feeling, or going through right now. I imagine she's being shunned, if not worse, at school.)

It reminds me of the part in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn where Francie witnesses the mother of an illegitimate baby being bullied and decides that she doesn't like women and never will. I remember feeling a great deal of relief when I read that (at age 12? 13?) because at the time I felt very similarly about women.

Hell, I quit an online community two years ago -- in tears, no less -- when one of the other members started raining down the insults. And anonymity wasn't even an issue: we had both met other members of the board in person and each could easily have tracked the other down. It was a clique, and I didn't fit in, and I'd been trying too hard, was all.

Arrgh. Apparently I do not have as thick a skin as you. Or should not read LJ on a day when I didn't eat lunch and learned that I have three cavities and the antibiotics I've been on for the better part of a month may be worse than useless.

[handworn.livejournal.com]

if she hadn't managed to convey basic proof-reading to them, maybe in a backhanded sort of a way, the reviewer had a point

Uh...failure to teach someone how to proofread (or to spell, something they teach in multiple years, most places) = psycho and bitch?

This eludes me. If the teacher told me about this, I'd tell her, "You're just being depressed and your mind is latching onto this and interpreting it as why. The two things have nothing to do with one another. Go have an ice cream and forget about it."